"Having money's not everything, Not having it is." - Ye

Labels: improvement, thoughts, work

I'm downloading 88 Keys' latest album, The Death of Adam. It supposed to give an insight on male relationship induced pain. It seems to cover everything. I wanna give it a listen.

I don't believe men hurt the way women hurt. I know some women are no good, like most some men are no good. But, I have always thought that women hurt and find joy due to emotional needs. Men usually hurt from more selfish personal needs.

Me personally have realized that most things that hurt me that men do to me are things that I allow them to do. If a man gives you some wicked awesome dick and then tell you that he doesn't want a relationship, no matter how good your nash is, believe him and then run far away. I wrote a poem once, "I need to stop acting like my pussy is a dick," because I was (is) so hooked on his sex like some insatiable man.

I was in love with this person and I spent maybe a year within that "relationship" in pain from having a crush on someone who is very present in my life and knows my body sexually better than any man I've ever been with. I will never be able to make love to him, but he fucked me once/twice a month.

He now comes by for "maintenance," as I call it, but I know that he now lives with a woman and he will not allow me to deal with that. He will not admit it. I, for one, feel betrayed. If he needed a woman, why didn't he want me? But i'll just leave it at that. Ultimately, I've decided that he's only good to me for one thing and I, him.

But, anyways.... This cd is to cover all the aspects of male/female relationships and things. BFF (Best Fucking Friend, i.e. see above), M.i.l.f.s, Unprotected Sex, STDs, etc. This might be the best hip hop breakup material since "U R the One" by Mos Def. It's done! We'll see...

Labels: interesting people, love, strange inspirations, thoughts

I spent all day in the house today. I spent all night cleaning up and I didn't get up till about 2pm. I went to the gym, that was nice, there's a cute guy I see there often, we have good convo. I anticipate us getting to know each other outside of the gym, maybe.

I mentioned all that above because I didn't like Benjamin Button film. It was waaayyyy too long. I don't mind long movies as long as its understandable and needed to give the plot structure. But this was obscene. It reminded me a lot of stories I'd write that were based around this one great character or one great idea, but aside from the idea, it's just a story, I mean, even F. Scott Fitzgerald left it as a loose short story.

This was like Forrest Gump and... hmmm.. something else I can't think of. I did love the cinematography and of course, the CGI and makeup was excellent, I'm sure I may be nominated for an Oscar but, the movie was just long-winded and sad. I was already sad and lonely and seeing this film alone magnified that feeling inside me. How sad is it to be moving in an opposite direction of everyone, of the ones you love, of life? Everything moves forward and gets old and dies, in that order and to be out of that must make one hopeless. Which is why this cannot be, thank God.

My favorite montage was when Benjamin and Daisy went to dinner. The shots showed the course of their night, the trip to the restaurant, them being seated, their meals, conversation all while Daisy is speaking over the whole set. It was very nice and I don't think that I've seen a montage shot like that. It summed up their date and showed their affection for one another. Very nice, I'll remember that. I hated the way the movie ended. I hate movies that show the characters in the sense that the main character knew them, it's like some play or something.

Cate Blanchett accent was very present. I know she was supposed to a New Orlean (what are they called?) but I heard that english accent sneaking in , especially when she started to shout.
Brad Pitt is so tasty. I always find his portrayals very aqueous. He sinks into the character and you don't even notice how beautiful he is. His eyes is the main thing that I notice. They show the character not someone playing Benjamin. That's great.

Taraji did good, but how hard is it to play a mammy? I know it's needed but geez... You dont have any white mammies. They even made her butt abnormally large and she dressed in frumpy dresses. They did show her sexual side, but only because she wanted a child, I guess to continue the mammy-dom.

I don't wanna see this movie again. I actually wanted to get up and leave, but I've never walked out on a film before and it really wasn't that bad, just long. I don't recommend it, but I don't not reccommend it either. If you wanna go see it, go see it. If you don't, you're not missing anything.

Labels: Cam Goes to The Movies, thoughts

That's what this guy at my office said. I thought it was a novel idea and I vowed to follow that mantra, but like most new traditions I try to keep, it didn't carry into the next week. I don't go out on Sundays for the fact that I have to go to work in the morning. I swear the weekend is really only Saturday.

This Sunday I feel really empty and sad. I worked through the night cleaning my place up and fretting about life. Today, I woke up and that feeling of ennui and emptiness came back after I got back from the gym. I'm glad I went to the gym tho and my usual 30 minute became 45 minutes and that made me feel good. I just don't know what's going on with me or my life at this moment, I'm just living through each day, I have goals, but for right now my goals seem to be make it through the day. I'm quite satisfied with the cleanliness of my place, so that was one goal I met today.

Right now, I'm going to try to soak off the sullies with a nice bath. Warm/Hot water with milk and green tea, mmmmm..... that'll be nice. I'll give myself a facial and I'll do my hair while I watch tv and then go to bed. Monday has indeed ruined my Sunday.

Labels: thoughts

Just got back in from a special screening of Chop Shop. There was a Q&A afterwards with the director, Ramih Barahni. The film was a neo-realistic look at the life of a gully kid and his sister, not trying to grow up, not trying to get somewhere, just trying to survive. It was super raw, you could all the poverty and hopelessness and even the happiest or funniest parts had underlying somber tones. I don't know why people who don't have a love for film attend film screenings. If you want to see Snakes on a Plane or Eagle Eye or some huge Hollywood stinker, then Indie film and it's aesthetics are not for you. I don't mean to be an elitist but why waste your time and my ear space with your failure to appreciate or understand.

Labels: Cam Goes to The Movies, improvement, self image, thoughts, work

Right now, my application to the Grad Film Program at Tisch at NYU is sitting on someone's desk. It will stay there until they make a decision and tell me in April (at the latest) whether or not, I made it or not. I really really want to know. I don't think I can wait till then. 

Labels: dream, improvement, self image, thoughts, work

I dont' know what happened with this post y'all... just put your scramble vision on and sort through it, sorry... (is anyone out there? lol)

I've basically grown accustomed to dissappointment. I try not to think about it or feel sorry for myself but it happens you know? Things start out well and then it just goes down hill. But 

that's just with jobs and men. I hate my job now and I hated the one before that and I hated 

the one before that one. I hate the neglectful fake boyfriend type person that I have infested 

myself with, I hate mendacity. I'm forever surrounded by mendacity. It follows me constantly 

through life. Mendacious people with mendacious tendencies. But, I must continue on because 

I know that things will get better, but I must practice patience and forward on in this life. It is 

true that I loved my job at one point and at that time, it was better than my previous job. It is 

also true that I was crazy about my beau and I thought he was so much better than my ex 

before him at that time, it was better. I try not to lose sight of those things.

I usually get so consumed to my annoyance with my situation that I always do some hasty 

thoughtless things, like getting in my car and driving to Savannah, crying most of the way 

and getting there, drove to Tybee Island and stood at the edge of the shore in winter, ate at 

Vinnie Van Go-Gogh's, went to a studio from my old school (SCAD! Bzzzzz.....) and then drove 

home. Waste of time and something I've never mentioned until now. I do things like that all

the time. I've made the biggest decisions of my life within minutes of being given the option... 

maybe that's why I've had so many dilemmas?! lol, maybe. I'm young, now, but when I'm 30 

and I'm still doing dumb shit, then it'll just be sad.

Labels: improvement, self image, thoughts

So, I was searching for part-time jobs on craigslist and it dawned on me that I will be alone for the holidays. This time last year I was unhappily married and the year before that I woke up in my husband's arms on Christmas Day after a night long partying in Jamaica. I had spent the last 3 Christmas' with him in May Pen, Clarendon, Jamaica. Now, roughly a year later, we've seperated, I've moved on and yet my bed is still empty. I don't want my ex anymore, I'm happy with him being just an experience and a lesson, but I do wish to have someone. The winter will get cold and I will wake up alone.

I was talking to a good guy friend at work and he tells me I'm better off. He told me to just "catch and release" for a while till i find out what I want and what I have to offer to a relationship. I've caught a few this past year and one has yet to be fully released, but the sentiment is the same; I don't want to have a revolving door on my heart, my body or my future.

Christmas will be interesting as I will not get any gifts nor will I buy gifts (except for my little bro). But I won't argue with anyone or beg them to come to dinner with my family after we've screamed at each other to death either. I just pray that I have the strength to not cry and show my vulnerability this season. How will I mask my sadness when I see my sister's christmas gift from her boyfriend or whatever gift my dad got my mother. It's not just about gifts, it's that someone cares enough to make you feel special on that one day of the year that people show true love and concern. And there's no jump-off that would be so gracious as to exhibit any of those sentiments, I guess this is a true test to my independence. Hopefully, I won't be completely sour and cold whenever I do meet someone worthy of my affections.

Here is Jill Scott singing "My Petition."

Labels: love, thoughts

From time to time, I will go digging through stacks of paper and my old poetry will pop out. I figured I'd just put them on here. I've been writing poetry since I was about 8, I think, well, that's when I won my first contest. I have the hardest time getting my stuff published. My work is kind of sexual, maybe that's why? I think they're pretty good, I'm confident in my potential, and my writing profs always loved my work, so i know i'm not being self serving. The only thing about writing is the words always tend to expose your true emotions. From my old stuff, I get an empty feeling of loneliness and disgust. I found this particular poem stuffed in one of my textbooks from SCAD. I'm not even sure which man it was about, but sadly, it can apply to most of the men in my life. i haven't edited any of it, I will leave it like a time capsule. So I present my poem, for the joy of man, circa 2003-ish.

"you're cute," he says
only after knowing her,
after he's made breast and breath, his own
and left her thoughts windswept
like her bed
she had tears she wished to give,
heavy loads in need of distribution
but she saw how the sweat rolling down her back
bared a sweeter taste than her anguish,
her misgivings
her coming shorts,
(all of which she'd give easily)
and yet, she has yet to know a man,
one who could open his mind wider than her knees
one who whose heart was bigger
than the passion marks left on her thighs
or one whose vain concern for self
could melt faster than her consternation
after the flashing of his smile.

Labels: poetry, thoughts

This is something I saw online... Breast ironing. I'm not a feminist and I believe that we should unite (male and female) for the betterment of my and our race and human kind. With that being said, I wonder why women have to make adjustments to avoid the so-called "natural" urges of men. I remember growing up and feeling awkward about my body (I'm really curvy) because men would always flirt with me or see how far I will allow them to go. I would wear big t-shirts and loose jeans, I didn't like doing that, but I had to make the necessary arrangements because men aren't expected to contain their sexual voracity.

In this instance, mothers in Cameroon have resorted to place hot stones on their daughter's budding breasts so that they will not attract men and will not get pregnant at a young age. Shame. These mothers should be teaching their daughters sense of self like my mother did. My great grandmother didn't teach my grandmother anything about sex or men. The only advice she gave her was "don't let no man make a fool of you" and she was never told what that meant. She came to learn and grow and she taught her daughters accordingly. When my mother raised me, she established a relationship with me that was very open and we are able to talk about anything. She taught me that sex is a beautiful thing but women must carry themselves with respect. She taught me that relationships are important but having the strength to always love yourself first is even more important.

The female body is beautiful and heavenly, men know this. They don't doubt this, but I think it's time that Fathers raise their sons the same way Mothers have to raise their daughters. This type of destructive preventive parenting is the product of lacking parenting on the male spector. We need to stop giving men "freak" passes and hold them accountable for their urges rather than trying not to ignite them.

Labels: family, female sexuality, thoughts