Scattered... but Covered:
Thoughts on a Need-to-Know Basis
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What I've Been Up To
"Having money's not everything, Not having it is." - Ye
About two Tuesdays ago, I was fired from my job. I don't find it necessary to go into details, but, let's just say it wasn't my fault (RACIST!) and leave it at that... I am asking myself: How do I cope with losing a job that kind of paid my bills, but, made me miserable? I REJOICE! I'm just glad it's over...
While being walked out of the office, I knew that I had to change my outlook and habits on a lot of things. Being a natural crybaby, I have to assure myself that I will be okay. I need to figure out what I want to gain from this current position in my life.
But, more urgently, how can I stack paper? Well, lucky for me, I am an infinitely creative person. How do I use that gift for money? or even just to be happy in my situation? For money's sake, I've decided to do the following:
While being walked out of the office, I knew that I had to change my outlook and habits on a lot of things. Being a natural crybaby, I have to assure myself that I will be okay. I need to figure out what I want to gain from this current position in my life.
But, more urgently, how can I stack paper? Well, lucky for me, I am an infinitely creative person. How do I use that gift for money? or even just to be happy in my situation? For money's sake, I've decided to do the following:
- Look for work (duh!)-Some people don't know how to look for work. I, on the other hand, do. Mom seh "Looking for a job should be your full time job." I spend about 4 hours sending out my resume and another 3 or so on the street.
- Use my skills to make things people would want to buy, i.e. jewelry, t-shirts, writing, etc. Just maintain a constant hustle. The thing about this is: in order to profit off of making stuff you gotta have capital. I gotta wait to get the capital, but, when I do, I'm gonna be big! I'm working on t-shirts.... I'm gonna be the next Married to the Mob!
- Write- My ultimate goal or career is to direct, not, write. I find myself being typecast as a writer and while I do love to write, it'd be better to get started with directing. Especially now, that I have the time (I gotta laugh at myself a little). I intend to write only because I think it will help me expand and grow creatively, in a lot of ways. I want to get my creative juices flowing... I gave all my paint and brushes away, so, I'll just write. Me revamping my blog will be my testament.
Labels: improvement, thoughts, work
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Chop Shop and Misses Me Too
Just got back in from a special screening of Chop Shop. There was a Q&A afterwards with the director, Ramih Barahni. The film was a neo-realistic look at the life of a gully kid and his sister, not trying to grow up, not trying to get somewhere, just trying to survive. It was super raw, you could all the poverty and hopelessness and even the happiest or funniest parts had underlying somber tones. I don't know why people who don't have a love for film attend film screenings. If you want to see Snakes on a Plane or Eagle Eye or some huge Hollywood stinker, then Indie film and it's aesthetics are not for you. I don't mean to be an elitist but why waste your time and my ear space with your failure to appreciate or understand.
During the Q&A, Ramih was very personable. He listened to the questions and I liked how he repeated the question out loud to make sure that he knew what to answer. Damn, I want to be that. I can't wait to have a Q&A for my own shit. That's what I want. Go around the world presenting my work. I remember when I presented work I did in school, I never was on screen but I always had butterflies in my stomach as if I was standing naked on camera, in a way I was. As a writer/director, I think I'd do a great job, I love to talk and interact with people. I've resolved to finish my screenplays. I'm tired of watching the movers and sitting on the sidelines. Shit, Cam!! It's nothing to it but to do it. Write the shit!! Ok, ok, I'm bout to go write now.
Labels: Cam Goes to The Movies, improvement, self image, thoughts, work
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I'm Scared and Excited
Right now, my application to the Grad Film Program at Tisch at NYU is sitting on someone's desk. It will stay there until they make a decision and tell me in April (at the latest) whether or not, I made it or not. I really really want to know. I don't think I can wait till then. When I spent all my expendable cash on my application, I was so excited and proud of myself, but i didn't think about things such as, how can i afford to pay for school and live in New York of all places. I'm still not sure, but i'm hoping that things will fall into place. I feel like I presented myself the best way I can, I feel that I have a lot to offer and prove and hopefully I'll get that chance. Going to NYU will be a sure fire way I will get to leave Atlanta, that's what I want to do.
If I get in:
I will be overjoyed, excited, scared, anxious. I will most of all be out of Atlanta and for my psyche that seems to be the best thing to do right now or whenever. I feel so worn and alone. I ask myself, should I post about loneliness on a blog? Won't people read it and be like "sheesh, that's girls a loser?" Well, if they do, sobeit. I'm a person and i think loneliness is something that everyone will encounter in life and if they don't, that's more disturbing than being lonesome... anyway... If i make it in, I will be leaving Atlanta to go to a city I've merely visited while seeing family.I will be leaving a good job (that I hate, don't forget that), I will be leaving my family and without steady income, who knows when I'd make it down to see them? These things matter, but not more than my dream or ambition.
If I don't get in:
I will cry and wonder what next. I will still want to move to New York, though, I just don't know how i'll get to doing that. Maybe, I can still take a film class and whatever but, I don't know how I'll get to make movies, if I don't get into Tisch. I know I don't want to work for anybody and I'd like to create things, but, from there, if i'm not writing or making movies, I don't know what else I could do that would make me happy.
I just don't understand why i have to wait till fucking April, that's a long ass time! Or worse, what if I get accepted but can't raise the money? I don't know, but I always feel as if Jah has set a plan for me and I will unknowingly adhere to it. Hopefully, that will be going to NYU and living a happy prosperous life.
The photo above is a shot I submitted in my visual portfolio, i took the shot and chose the wardrobe and mise-en-scene. It's my favorite picture that i've taken and I've taken quite a few.
Labels: dream, improvement, self image, thoughts, work
Ahhhh... Dissappointment
I dont' know what happened with this post y'all... just put your scramble vision on and sort through it, sorry... (is anyone out there? lol)
I've basically grown accustomed to dissappointment. I try not to think about it or feel sorry for myself but it happens you know? Things start out well and then it just goes down hill. Butthat's just with jobs and men. I hate my job now and I hated the one before that and I hatedthe one before that one. I hate the neglectful fake boyfriend type person that I have infestedmyself with, I hate mendacity. I'm forever surrounded by mendacity. It follows me constantlythrough life. Mendacious people with mendacious tendencies. But, I must continue on becauseI know that things will get better, but I must practice patience and forward on in this life. It istrue that I loved my job at one point and at that time, it was better than my previous job. It isalso true that I was crazy about my beau and I thought he was so much better than my exbefore him at that time, it was better. I try not to lose sight of those things.I usually get so consumed to my annoyance with my situation that I always do some hastythoughtless things, like getting in my car and driving to Savannah, crying most of the wayand getting there, drove to Tybee Island and stood at the edge of the shore in winter, ate atVinnie Van Go-Gogh's, went to a studio from my old school (SCAD! Bzzzzz.....) and then drovehome. Waste of time and something I've never mentioned until now. I do things like that allthe time. I've made the biggest decisions of my life within minutes of being given the option...maybe that's why I've had so many dilemmas?! lol, maybe. I'm young, now, but when I'm 30and I'm still doing dumb shit, then it'll just be sad.
Labels: improvement, self image, thoughts
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Teeeeennnniiiss!
I started playing tennis in spring of this year. And I must say I'm hooked. I go to tennis classes on Mondays and Wednesdays and I play a set or two every 2 weeks. I'm not great but for a beginner, I'm pretty good. It's something that drives me, much like writing. I just thought "hey I should start playing tennis" and from then on I've been super passionate. It just sucks that I don't have anyone to play with on a regular basis. Today, I stopped by the tennis courts and these little girls came and hit the ball to me, so I was able to get some fast paced practice in.I feel the dramatic changes in my body. I get wrist pains, but I'm also getting some pretty toned guns and my thighs are getting firmer too (the better to wrap around you,my dear). I used to say that Serena was my "booty role model" because we're both well endowed but, I've since changed. Serena is too ripped for me, I wanna keep a soft feminine look and feel. So, i don't know how i'll keep my arms from getting super swole.
Here's Rafa Nadal, my favorite player. He's super cute and dreamy... oh, and he'll kick your ass on clay court. lol
Labels: improvement, my favorite things, sport
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Poundage
Ok, I need to lose weight. Me deciding to lose weight is really a decision I've made out of necessity, kind of. I have been lucky enough to carry weight well and that has been a crutch i've leaned on in the past, but I must get over it. If I do gain weight (and I have) then it goes straight to a certain area of my body that men love (hips and ass), that also psychs out my mind that if I do get a little thicker, it's okay.But, it's not okay. Things aren't fitting like they used to. I've lost a lot of weight at one point of my life (40 pounds) and I kept it off for about 3 years, but it's slowly coming back and I don't want it to. Recently i've been starting and stopping my commitment to drop tow, but, i really must stay on track. Of course, it's a simple plan, eat less, excercise more and the energy and kinetics will burn the difference off. Simple. But, it's so hard!!
I envy people that don't have to deal with "food problems" and it sucks being one of those people that love food and food can't return the favor. My mother is smaller than me, but eats more than me and eats awful food, it's not fair... So, tomorrow (or today, since it's now 12:03), I am starting again and I'm promising myself to stay on the wagon this time. I think posting this will make me feel as if I'm signing in blood because I've told people and I don't want to be a liar. lol. So... here's my plan:
Food and Diet:
- Eat a reduced amount of carbs and when i do eat carbs, I will eat them in the morning and they will be complex carbs (whole grains).
- Eat more protein. Protein is what stops you from being hungry (that reminds me, I gotta start eating only when I'm hungry) so the more meat I eat, the more protein I get, the more muscle I'll create. Bon!
- I already eat vegetables, so I'm going to eat a green every meal. Less fruits, but fruits are good too.
- I'm a natural girl, so I'm going to try to refrain from refined sugars and corn syrups. They're not natural and they also make you retain water (that reminds me again, Drink more water)
I currently play tennis on Mon and Weds. for atleast 2 hours. But tennis is an-aerobic, which means its a stopping and starting motion. In order to burn fat, you have to continuously move. Tennis is fun and better than walking but it's not gonna really help get rid of my muffin top. I am getting some pretty firm biceps.
So, when i'm not in tennis, I will devote 30 minutes a day (at first) to the treadmill and elliptical, switch it up some. Not for nothing, but the treadmill is one the most convenient, most boring inventions ever. It's not strenuous, unless you make it, but it's still just soooooo boring. I loathe and avoid it, not because it's hard but because it's just so damn boring.
I'm tired of the bullshit too, I'm not doing this for "health." I'm completely healthy. I have no health conditions (I've had a thyroid disorder but it went away). I'm doing this to get rid of my side roll and so that I don't wake up one day and look like Mo'nique. (she's cute, I'm not hating but she's waaaayyy bigger than me and I do not wanna get to that point.)
So please, say a prayer for me and save from what ever fat ass free lunch my job may take me on. lol
yawn..... goodnight.
Labels: improvement, self image