So, I was searching for part-time jobs on craigslist and it dawned on me that I will be alone for the holidays. This time last year I was unhappily married and the year before that I woke up in my husband's arms on Christmas Day after a night long partying in Jamaica. I had spent the last 3 Christmas' with him in May Pen, Clarendon, Jamaica. Now, roughly a year later, we've seperated, I've moved on and yet my bed is still empty. I don't want my ex anymore, I'm happy with him being just an experience and a lesson, but I do wish to have someone. The winter will get cold and I will wake up alone.
I was talking to a good guy friend at work and he tells me I'm better off. He told me to just "catch and release" for a while till i find out what I want and what I have to offer to a relationship. I've caught a few this past year and one has yet to be fully released, but the sentiment is the same; I don't want to have a revolving door on my heart, my body or my future.
Christmas will be interesting as I will not get any gifts nor will I buy gifts (except for my little bro). But I won't argue with anyone or beg them to come to dinner with my family after we've screamed at each other to death either. I just pray that I have the strength to not cry and show my vulnerability this season. How will I mask my sadness when I see my sister's christmas gift from her boyfriend or whatever gift my dad got my mother. It's not just about gifts, it's that someone cares enough to make you feel special on that one day of the year that people show true love and concern. And there's no jump-off that would be so gracious as to exhibit any of those sentiments, I guess this is a true test to my independence. Hopefully, I won't be completely sour and cold whenever I do meet someone worthy of my affections.